YESTERDAY IS DEAD AND GONE & TOMORROW IS OUT OF SIGHT!

Big name. The finish is the answer to a question I was asked yesterday. How long have you been a survivor? Well I am doing Chemo again, they found more cancer, I am feeling crappy, my hair is going to start falling out and I have sores up and down my mouth and digestive system. So I didn't know how to answer that question but I do now. How long have I been a survivor? TODAY - Because that is all there is. And can I tell you how grateful I am for that.

MY BABIES:
Jerry
Kandiss, Jeff, Nataly, Sydney, Talmage
Tasha, Ben, Cash, Gabby
Whitney
The rest of my family and all you friends.

You keep me a survivor today and everyday.

One thing after 20 cuts under the scapulae this year there is this one place on my left chest which is where my babies always lay their little heads and I love them. But they put this port thing in and Gabby just blasts her little head there like a cannonball. Ouch. Got any suggestions? I will keep her and yank out that big chunk of medical implant of some sort. It is supposed to help!!!

The sun just came up and I need to get ready for the day. This is my favorite time of day. It means I still have the whole day. Even on days when I can't make it through the whole day. Some days I wear the orangutan shirt of my Dad's and I feel him around me and reminding me that it is about the babies whether they are the flavor of the month or not. You know he is right.

Good Morning---

Riding Nat's scooter....

When my paetents were up at my house a few weeks ago we were out side playing and my dad decided to be a nerd. Nataly challenged him that he could't ride her scooter. Here is a video of him being his goofy self!!

Race for the Cure

This last Saturday we were in SL and did the Race for the Cure. It was amazing!!! To see all the people there supporting the cause. I had all of kids there and their kids. My sis ter Lorna and her kids were there too. Kandiss had some of her friends walking for us.

It's been 33 years!

Today is my mom and dad's anniversary of 33 years. They have such a great relation ship. They are both so busy! My mom has been realy busy taking care of grandma that's why she hasn't done any blogging. Here are some pictures of the past 33 years. We love you mom and dad!

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Mom & Dad

Well a little update on my Mom & Dad. Things are definitely going downhill. Mom has a pretty good long term memory. Short term is completely short term. Maybe 5 minutes. She is falling a lot. She fell in October a couple of times and one time broke her wrist in two places. It is just now healing. Then she fell the first of January down the stairs in the middle of the night. She broke her back and dad had to call 911. She is suffering a lot from the pain. I think it is time to stop the Chemo. She has lived 3 years longer than they gave her in October 2005. At that time they gave 6 weeks to six months. She still wants to live. It breaks my heart everyday to see her this way. Even with all of this she seldom complains. In fact I have to grill her to tell me what is wrong so that I might be able to help her. Most of the time I can't seem to do anything. After having cancer myself and going through six months of Chemo I am amazed at her silent drive. She had an MRI yesterday and tomorrow the may do a small surgery on her back. I don't know if she can handle it but she said if it might help lets do it.

The hardest thing for me is to feel irritated with her sometimes. She is such a great woman/angel that I feel guilty getting frustrated. I just want to have my Mom back. Everyday before I go in to get her up to feed her breakfast and get her going my heart quits beating because I am afraid that she won't be OK. My Dad is scared and lonely. I try to take care of as much as possible but most of the problems do not have a solution. I try not feel failure. My prayer is that through all of this that I am able to teach my children compassion and service with unconditional love. That is what my Mother was an example through her whole life. I could always count on Mom for support and love and I miss her all of her everyday. The world is different without her.

I can't leave out my Father. He has always provided for our family in a completely different way. He taught to work hard and long hours. He taught to have courage. And now at this late time in his life he is teaching me to be humble. That what you have when you are young is changed in a moment as you get older. He comes downstairs almost everyday when I am working and just wants to talk. He is lonely and afraid. He repeats a lot. But I don't mind anymore. It is something I will be able to hold and to and share and giggle about later. I have not been in their shoes and have no great words of wisdom to share with them and just want to have a few more memories. Through all of this I am thankful for the blessings and gifts I have found along the way. I hold these things dear to my heart and pray that I become a little more like my parents. It is a difficult way to learn about the joy of service but I learn a little more each day.

Update - I am so bad at this!

Well we went to SLC to see Nat & Syd dance in the concert. Weather was terrible. Tasha and the kids came with us. They were pretty good. It was different driving with kids again. The fog was so scary. We didn't even know where we were.

The girls were so cute. They dance and run around. Syd makes me a nervous wreck I am so afraid she will fall and hit her head. She doesn't seem to concerned. They were so excited to see Cash & Gabby. Nataly just loves smothering Gabby and she likes it for a long time. Tasha likes the time off. Cash loves the stairs and the kids. I love being together with all of them. I miss Kandiss and her family.

Saturday we went to she Helen (Grandma Millgate) in Layton. We couldn't find her. We called around but to no success. We did find out from Willa that Mandy had had her baby the night before. He was about a month early. He had major heart problems including a hole and a few other things. Major stuff. We knew this ahead. So we decided to go see Mandy at the hospital.

As we walked into Primary Children's Mike Millgate jumped out of the Cafeteria and grabbed us. What a shock. Their new little baby boy was in the hospital also. He had RSV. They had not even had a chance to see him or take him home. We ate lunch with Mike, Shelly and Betty. We love these guys and always enjoy their company. We laugh, cry, swear, find out news and reminisce but most of all enjoy knowing each other.

I got to go see their baby boy. He is precious and handsome. Good luck guys I believe you will be great together.

They have little police cars that the kids can ride in and drive around at the hospital and Cash went crazy over them. We let him drive it almost all the way to the U of U to see Mandy. He was mad when we made him get out but as we were walking towards the U he saw a digger and crane outside the window and then he was mesmerized. Finally we got to see Mandy. She was a little out of it. We only stayed a few minutes because we had the kids and they seemed like they had more than they could deal with. Mandy is so little she seemed like she should be at the kids hospital instead. But she great big in her soul, what a special person she is. We didn't get to see Willa and Bob because we had to get back to she our flashy little ballerinas. Our prayers are with all of you in this difficult time.

I have to say that I do not like driving in all this N. Utah weather. Yuck. I do love SLC. Back to Stansbury Park. Kandiss took the kids to dress rehearsal and Syd was not having anything to do with getting on the stage. I don't blame her it was a big stage and she is so little. She loves dancing and performing but not on that stage at this time. It was great for me because she sat on my lap for a long time during the concert and I loved it. Finally she did her own little performance and we all had a front row up close private concert. Nataly gets on stage and the audience or at least our area went crazy. She smiled and waved and performed like a star. She is such a great kid. Cute as can be. Kandiss was stressed when Syd wouldn't get on stage at practice but by the time the concert came she offered her the chance to perform and sat behind the curtains just in case Syd changed her mind but no such luck.

These weekends are way to short. The drive home was miserable. The roads were scary and the kids got sick of sitting for hours in car seats. My back was at it's worst. Jerry was very uptight. But we made it home safely. The kids were so excited to get out of the car. Their dad came to get them. They were all excited to be together. I wish that we could spend more time with Ben. We always enjoy being with him and his little family. Love ya Ben.

This weekend would have been almost perfect is we could have had Whitney with us also. It seems to be a long time in between when we can be together as a family. I never thought I wouldn't be together with my children and their families. It saddens my heart. I enjoy being with all of them. They show me about joy.

Super Bowl Sunday was fun. We made a nice dinner with new recipes. A lot of work but I wanted to do it. My back on the other hand did not enjoy it at all. Ben & Tasha came with kids and we had a good time. Later Whitney and Steve came for a little while. We missed Kandiss and her family. Didn't care about the Super Bowl. It is just a nice time to get together. Jerry, Tasha and Ben played Rock Band and had a good time. I don't get the game but I don't get a lot of things.

Lorna & Tom and family came down for New Years to help out with Mom and Dad. It was great having the help. Karan and Tim came down last weekend and again thanks for the help. We always love having the help and the time together. Shannon and Larry should be coming this month and we look forward to seeing them and having the help with our parents. Then it starts all over again. This is great and such a help. Love you guys.

Remember brothers and sisters January 23, 2010. Aloha!

Pictures driving to SLC

Kandiss here are the pictures!

Mom you are SLACKING!!!

We need to get my mom back into blogging again! She hasn't blogged for a while. So every body tell her to start again.

Movin on, again!

To read this start at the bottom first or it won't make much sense. It may not anyway. I do still have Chemo Brain.

Just about the time I think I can get myself together life just keeps on going. It has been such a long time since I have written that I don't know where to begin. So here it is "WE ALL MADE IT". Sounds crazy I know but we live the loco life. Maybe I will go backwards.

January 10, 2009
I flew home from SLC and the snow and the yuck. I had to leave my baby girls, Nataly & Sydney. Kandiss and Jeff also. It is always bittersweet when I have to leave. I miss that little family everyday of my life. This time it was even harder to leave because Syd had just come home from the hospital. See is doing well considering that her head had been cut open just a few days earlier. Wow, I stand all amazed at the love and power that consistently is displayed to me and my family. Dr's who can do brain surgery and nurses who can fix it after and Mommies who stay in a hospital chair day after day. A husband and two daughters so far away and so concerned. There was a real turning moment for Syd a couple of days after her surgery. At Primary Children's they have a play room that has toys and computers and so many other wonderful things for the patients and their siblings. Kandiss carried Syd up one floor and down the big hall with Syd half laying and half sitting in her arms trying not to hurt. It was so sad. Well this time was music therapy time, singing. I watched Syd's eyes brighten for the first time while we there singing and even when she started getting bad again she wouldn't let us leave until the last note had been played. She really started to brighten up after that. Thanks to all those who put in time to make a difference in these children's lives.

January 6, 2009
Jumped out of bed showered, packed and got ready to leave. Early morning radiation treatment. Not just one of the 33. The last treatment. Who knew it would really ever be done. A huge thanks to the radiation dept. for your kindness and gentleness and all the lotion. Today I am terrified. Syd is having a surgery on her little head, brain and neck. I haven't slept for days. Jerry takes me to the airport. I hate to fly but this time I must. I had surgery on my back four days earlier so I couldn't drive that far. Lorna picked me up at the airport and took me to the hospital. I enjoy being with her we have shared a lot of our lives together. We get to the hospital and my heart is so raw but I tried to be strong for Kandiss and Syd. They said she did well in the surgery and looked like everything was going well. Syd looked in pain. She like most children when they are in need just want their Mom. I kissed her and touched her softly when a big tear dropped on her little head. Funny but I don't remember much other than the layout of that little room and how uncomfortable the chairs are. I do remember Syd laying there on her side for hours and days. Slowly she smiled a half smile and my heart soared and I knew she was doing well. Finally, she got grumpy and it was time to move outside of the little room. I am shocked every time I think things are bad and someone next to me will make my situation seem so bearable. This happened over and over at that hospital even though I could not think of anything that could have been worse than what Sydney had and her surgery. Just when you think that life will slow down for a moment because there is something life threatening you get a call from someone who is pain and is suffering. But blessings are abundant even when you are afraid.

January 3, 2009
My radiation Dr. and his staff have come in today/Sat. and New Years Day so that I can make to SLC for Sydney's surgery. They came in both days so that I could get all my treatments. They came in only for me can you believe it? Another gift. Another blessing.

January 2, 2009
I had back surgery. I hope it starts to help.

January 1, 2009
Spent the day with family. Love those babies. All four and a fifth on the way. Wow can't believe how much I enjoy them. I love my girls also. They are wonderful people and they give me great joy.

New Years Resolution:
Never say next year will be better.
Lose judgement of others.
Serve when the opportunity comes available.
Find the opportunity to serve in small ways it makes a big difference to someone.

December 29, 2008
Were we all at my parents the Thayn's, having a great time. Dad got a phone call about the storage units and I had to take the call. I'm heading down stairs to take care of the problem and talking to the client. Then bam my feet flip out from under me and you won't believe it but I fell down the stairs again. Went to the hospital and found out I broke my tailbone. Can't do anything for that. Wow does that hurt.

December 31, 2008
Jerry worked at First Night. We, Kandiss, Jeff, Nataly, Sydney and myself went to first night until it was too cold. Came home early and went to bed about 10:30. The kids tried to stay up to see the fireworks and bang on pans. They fell asleep also.

Love having my little family together.

Christmas 2008
We spent Christmas with Kandiss, Jeff, Nataly & Sydney. It was great. Everyone seemed to have such a good time. After the opening of the gifts we got cleaned up and went to Lorna's for a great breakfast and good company. Thanks for keeping this tradition going. Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve 2008
Jerry and I went to Gary and Kay Carters home for a traditional family gathering. This is my uncle home on my fathers side. He is no longer with us but it was so nice to see my cousins. Mont, Joe and Jane, Wade and his daughter, and Kay and her new husband were all there. I haven't seen Wade for years it was nice to see him again. I really miss my cousin Fred. I always looked forward to being with him it leaves a hole in my family without him.

Then we came home to Kandiss' house and spent the evening with them. My back was in so much pain. The kids were so cute. They get all wired up and energy sparks fly from them. I wish I could put in a glass and drink that energy drink. I always love the kids hair when you take out the hair pretties especially Syd's. She had crazy hair. It is so her.

4:30 AM Christmas Eve Morning
Crash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel down the stairs. Couldn't move for a few minutes. Jerry freaked out. He got me up and layed down for a few minutes. It didn't help. I told him to take me to the hospital. Broke my back. My T9 & T10. They gave me an IV of pain meds and I started to relax and feel a little better. Be careful with your back you only get the one. This is so crappy. I can hardly hold the kids on my lap.

December 21, 2008
Went to Wolf Creek for three days. Freezing cold. Lot's of snow. Had a great time. Stressed driving. Nat and Syd rode the sleds outside and had a ball. They enjoy everything so much. It's so fun being with them.

December 19, 2008
Went to SLC. Always enjoy going back home. Went and saw Helen. Went over to Jessie's home. It is really cute.

Tasha, Ben, Cash, Gabby, and Whitney were suppossed to go with us to spend the holidays together as a family but life just didn't work out this time. We always miss them when there not there. I would love to all be close together. Someday we get a picture with all my grandkids looking the same direction at the same time. Or maybe not.

Can't remember everything I wanted to say so maybe I will post again later.