I feel shitty!!!!!!!

It's been one week since my last chemo. I keep hoping to feel normal again and now I think I have forgotten what normal is. I am trying to have faith and know that time will make things different. But today I am weak. I am shaking and I feel like I am only part way here. My mouth is sore and it feels like alligator skin. It hurts and feels foreign, like everything about me. I hope that I can be me again. It's strange when your not you. It has a feeling of being intoxicated but it is not fun. My fingers hurt and don't feel attached. My toes are like blocks of wood.
My skin is bagging everywhere on me. I feel like I look like the frozen lady in the tub in the movie "The Shining". My favorite scary movie. I think I needed to go have some hydration today but I didn't have anyone who could drive me and I am sure that I would be arrested if I got caught driving. So I told Mom & Dad that I needed to go home. Hope the office is OK. I am afraid that I will always be tired. I can't even walk upstairs without needing to take a break. I want to be me again. I pray it is possible. Hopefully this is my last whining blog. I am supposed to go have my nails done today even that sounds like way to much work. The good news from this session of chemo is Mom didn't have chemo. Her kidney function was way down. So lucky her she is taking a break. But they always weigh you and I have to tell everyone that by their scale I have lost 109 pounds. Can you believe it. I can't. I am looking forward to enjoying some shopping when I feel better. I think I wear a size 14. Almost a 12 but definately not a 24! I hope the chemo and the radiation haven't caused permenant damage to my stomach and all that I had done. I know there will be some damage but hopefully most I will be able to work through. Well I can't stand listening to me whine so that is all for now. I will write back when I feel better. I Love all of you and am thankful for your thoughts, prayers and calls.
Love,
Nana Kathlene

Family Photos

Cash gets a haircut by Kandiss

Sydney's birthday at Nana's

Last Chemo Session

On Wednesday I had my last chemo session. Yeah! So now for the next couple of weeks I will feel pretty sick and miserable. But there seems to be an end soon. Mom is gettng a break for a while. The Dr. thinks she needs a little break from chemo. I think it will be a good break for her she has been through so much. Her kindneys are in a little trouble so we will see what happens after we meet with the Dr.

Dad and I went to a costume party last night. It was fun but I didn't feel so well. But it was fun to dress up and go out. Dad went as a plumber with a plumbers crack and all. I went as a vampire. I actually fit into this costume which felt great. I just sat there most of the night because I felt to shakey to stand up and walk around.

In about three weeks I will start to feel better then I start six weeks of radiation. The radiation makes you very weak and tired but you usually are not sick. This is something to look forward to. It's funny how you change what you ook forward to.

INFO!!!!!!!
The Thayn Family is having a traditional Thanksgiving on the Friday after Thanksgiving so we don't interfere with everyone else. Please make every effort to participate. This may be the important holiday of the year. Mom will be off her chemo and hopefully feel better. Try not to miss this.

10-09-08

My mom asked me to journal for her today. She is really sick with this chemo treatment. It's made her really tired, shaky and nauseated. My dad is going to take her into the doctor and get her hydrated. Which this will make her feel better.
It's been kindof a bummer cause she doens't really want to talk on the phone or do anything and she is really grumpy. I know that's because she doesn't feel good. She has also been really busy with grandma. Also stressing about her too!!!
Grandma went into the hospital on Monday with chest pains. They had her stay for a few days so they could run some tests on her. After all the tests came back they decided just to do and angeogram. The doctor thought that this would be best for her right now. When they were doing the angeogram they found that two of her valves were clogged. They said that their not going to do any thing with those right now. But on a postitive note her heart is pumping hard and is healthy. Grandma is home and doing better. Thats good!
So, in the mean time keep praying for my mom and grandma. Also for my dad he is still having a hard time (he wont admitt it though). Thanks for all your prayers!

10-3-08

So today my mom asked me to blog for her. She is not feeling very good! Yesterday was chemo for her and grandma. It was such a busy day for them both. They were both so tired.
After chemo my mom took grandma to the neurologist to find out what is going on. Because a few weeks ago she had a cat scan, so this was a follow up. The doctor told them that she has a mild form of dementia. He is going to put her on some medicine that will help bring back her memory. Grandma also went and had a blood transfusion.
So while grandma was getting her blood transfusion, my mom was having some therapy on her right arm. The reason for the therapy is because she has been having lymph edema. Which is swelling, pain, lumps in arm and numbness. Therapist said, that it may or may not go away with in a year. Also if it hasn't gone away within the year she will probably have it the rest of her life. But she said that she really likes the treatments that they do. She said that they feel really good.
When they were both done with their appointments, my mom took her and grandma to the pharmacy and their meds. Then they both went home and went to sleep.
Well as you can tell it has been very hard for her and grandma. So we start all over again and for the next couple of weeks she is going to be down and not feeling good.

So, mom PLEASE take care of you and not worry about any one else. We love you! Take care.

Love,
Kandiss

09-15-08 (74 Days Left)

This is my 5th day since chemo and I feel terrible. Mom fell last night when she went to go to the bathroom. She has a black eye. I am so worried about her. When I got to her house he had not taken her meds on Sunday. I had her take her meds today. It is hard to keep up with Mom & Dad's needs.

Friday my computer broke and would not start. It has frozen me completely a far as business goes. Our checks should be out tomorrow. The computer guy called me while I was sleeping and went to Mom & Dad's to put it back together again.

09-11-08 Catch up time (78 days left)

Well yesterday I had my second session of chemo. My veins are getting tired on my left arm. I didn't have a reaction to the chemo this time which was very good. The nurse (John) sat with me for a good 1/2 hour to make sure I would be OK. We did find out yesterday when we saw the Dr. that my Mom has a tumor but it is not cancer. Also her brain has shrunk probably from age. Over all we did pretty good yesterday. Jerry who is my hero drove us and watched over us and took good care of us. Today I went back out to the Dr. and had that terrible shot called Nulasta not to be confused with the sleep aid Lunesta. It makes my bones hurt like crazy but it builds white blood cells back up so I need it but it really hurts. I can tell I am starting the bad part again. My mouth is getting raw and I feel tired and starting to feel sick. I am dreading the next week or so but know that I can do it.

What I want to talk about is some of the things that have happened for the last week or so. First, last weekend we went to Kandiss' house and went to the fair. We had a really good time. Sydney went crazy with joy when she got to ride the pony's. She was so cute and unfortunately my camera was with Kandiss and her camera. Nataly's favorite was the big slide. I went down with Nataly and couldn't believe how crazy it was. I was laughing so hard and then the Girls went up again with their Mom & Dad and had just as much fun. We took a crazy picture of Jeff, Jerry and Myself with our bald heads. It was very strange for me to be in public with no hair. Most of the time I didn't remember but when someone would look at me I remembered because of the double take that they all do. I remember doing it many times.

The night before when Jerry was driving us up to Stansbury my head was itching and hair falling out but Kandiss wanted so bad to shave my head that I tried not to touch it too much. But when we got there and she ran her hands through my hair she started crying and said she couldn't do it. I told her my story of my mothers hair falling out. I remember asking her if she wanted to have her head shaved and she said no but would I please just brush it until it all came out. Joyce was there and started crying and left the room. I stayed and brushed it out and remember what a gift it was. It was one of the most difficult things I have done. But it was also one of the most special gifts of my life. So I told this story to Kandiss and asked her to take this chance for a special gift in her life. I hope she was not too burdened by that experience. She did a great job in my opinion. There are some pictures of the shaving and Jerry using my hair as his long beard.

The next morning when Nataly and Sydney woke up and saw my head was bald became very afraid of me. Nataly started crying and would not look at me. Finally during breakfast we talked and things got better. I told Nataly that most of her friends Grandparents had hair but her Nana did not have any. So when she got to the bus stop and her friends showed up she ran up to them and told them that her Nana didn't have any hair. She was a great social icon for the day. It was worth losing my hair for that alone. She even told her bus drivers. Nataly is great and little Sydney is a joy. I miss them all the time.

Saturday we went up to the Rock Quarry and spent a couple of hours up there and I always feel healed when I am there. The girls walked all over with us and had a good time. We talked about building a cabin up there. We have talked about that for a long time. Maybe sometime we will. It would a great place for us to gather together and grow close as a family. Extended family.

I can't remember if I wrote about Labor Day weekend. But my baby Gabby was given a name and blessing. The Lord blessed me with my hair for the day and I was grateful. Gabby looked so sweet and it was a special blessing for her and us. I finished her dress the day before. I had gone to Costco and bought a bunch of food for after the blessing and it turned out great. The Millgates where there for the blessing and that was wonderful. The Strongs came down from SLC and it was great being with them and there kids. Shirlene and Kody came with there wonderful little guys and we had a really nice time with everyone. I was very tired but decided that I would not miss anything. These times have always been a joy to me. I think there are some pictures from swimming together and some of the blessing.

Thank you everyone for praying and your thoughts for me. I feel them everyday. They are the things that help me get through the days that suck. I love all of you and love seeing and hearing from you.

To Jerry who is my best friend I love you more than life itself. Kandiss, Tasha and Whitney who have been my continual joy. My babies, Nataly, Sydney, Cash and Gabrielle who give constant joy and laughter. May you all know how much you have given my strength. A special thanks to all my family and friends who have touched my soul to the core.

Love Kathlene

09-09-08 89 days left