08-25-08 5 days post chemo 95 days left

I got up this morning around 5:00 AM. Jerry kept telling me to go back to bed. But really when I can be awake and do something I am going to do just that. Today I got up and cleaned of my bathroom counter, scrubbed my shower, scrubbed my toilet and the floor around it. I started my shower and the creepy pain in my right arm caused by the removal of the lymph nodes started going to town. Well, I was already spent. So my goal today and maybe everyday is to do things that last about 15 minutes. This seems to be the amount of time I can tell how I am going to feel. I used to do this on my to do list. Everything that I could think of was laid out in 10-15 minutes intervals. I usually never got it all done but always got to cross off a bunch of things to do. This will be a little different because it might take me a week to cross off more than one thing but at least I don't feel dead when I am doing or thinking about doing.

I am still trying to complete Gabby's dress. When Grandma got her new sewing machine I got her old one. The problem is that it doesn't work so now I have to take it in to get it fixed so I can finish this dress. Or maybe I can try on her new sewing machine but I don't think I read all that info and still feel good enough to sew.

Last night Jerry & Whitney made tacos. I made the most beautiful taco I have seen in months. Fresh tortilla, taco meat, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, salt and pepper. I rolled it up in a paper towel so not one thing would fall out. Sat down and took on bite, yuck. It tasted like the paper towel. Second bite, even worse. What is this stuff that leaches into your mouth so that even when your not nauseated it tastes like paint or petroleum. It is hard to remember why I feel so terrible and that this is the best thing for me. My eyes are starting to burn and my head/hair hurts when I touch it. I can see how people get depressed. You don't feel good enough to feel anything else. Please stand by me during this it is not forever. 2009 will be a new year for me and all of us.

This is private for my children. Treat each other like today is the last day you have together. What would your thoughts be toward each other. Would you be jeolous or angry or would you be kind and gentle. Honor your spouses they are the fathers of my grandkids. Patience with those little ones if they need a minute give them 10 minutes because surely no one else will. I love you all and am so sorry for being such a drag.